COOPERATIVE CO-PARENTING FOR SECURE KIDS

Smolarski offers a practical and empathetic guide for separated caregivers to building a co-parenting relationship that helps kids flourish.

Shortly after the author separated from her partner, their 6-year-old daughter told her “I feel all alone in the woods!” That distress signal launched Smolarski, a psychotherapist, mediator, and public policy advocate, on a quest to understand what a “good two-home family” might look like and learn how to create one for her own family. In this guide to creating “a co-parenting relationship that allows your child to thrive,” she outlines three different attachment styles and how they affect family interactions and details key principles newly separated caregivers can follow to prioritize their child’s emotional security during challenging times. The author uses brief fictional scenarios to illustrate different ways divorced or separated parents might interact with each other and with their children, discusses the various emotional factors involved, offers exercises to help readers to identify the factors most important to their personal situation, and revisits the same scenarios to show how they might play out differently when the suggested techniques and approaches are applied. The chapters cover the nature of the co-parenting relationship, making decisions, dealing with your child’s emotions (and your own), developing shared values and effective communication, resolving conflicts, and maintaining consistency across two homes. Each chapter ends with a helpful “Now What?” question-and-answer section addressing specific concerns parents may have. Throughout the book, Smolarski emphasizes self-compassion and argues persuasively that one parent can improve family dynamics to reach what she terms a “win-win-win” by implementing her suggestions even when the co-parent isn’t fully on board. Her realistic and relatable examples include diverse family structures, with children of all ages. The explanations of important concepts, such as “hot potato” emotions and the “upstairs and downstairs brain,” are clear and down to earth. Smolarski’s practical tips and ideas are likely to be helpful across a broad range of relationships.

A helpful and reassuring model of how ex-partners can put their child’s happiness first.