THE #1 DAD BOOK

A by-the-numbers guide to superior fatherhood.

In a mind meld of Dr. Spock and Dr. Seuss, writing machine Patterson churns up a staccato treatise on the fine art of fathering: “Occasionally, you can be a knucklehead. That’s okay. This batshit crazy world isn’t making things any easier.” Most of the advice is the sort of thing you’d find on the back of a cereal box, if cereal boxes were devoted to such topics: Use baby wipes (“Don’t scrimp. Buy in bulk”). Hug the kid (“They can’t get enough of you”). Exploit the good will of doting grandparents (“a great resource for free childcare and lots of cool presents”). Lay off the booze and ganja (“Your kids are worth it”). An allied sentiment: “Grow the fuck up. It’s time.” A self-serving bit of advice, perhaps, is one that we’d hope every parent adopts, and that’s to read to your kids: Tell them stories, encourage them to love words, and so forth, and they’ll have an edge on, as Patterson, borrowing from sportscaster Dick Schaap, puts it, “people trying to make the world dumber.” This book isn’t dumb, but it’s written as if for readers whose parents didn’t read to them; just so, some of the best ideas in Patterson’s pages come from others, as when the writer George Saunders asks, “My time here is short—what can I do the most beautifully?” The takeaway of this already short book are some dicta to be found on two pages at the very end, and that seems too small a payoff for the price of admission, for all Patterson’s enthusiasm about his world-changing mission.

Advice for those for whom parenting is an alien concept, with nary a surprise to be found.