THE ABSENT MOON

A Brazilian writer and publisher memorably chronicles his Jewish upbringing in São Paulo as an only child plagued by depression.

In this beautifully composed narrative, Schwarcz investigates the undigested trauma from his postwar childhood, a time shadowed by the long-lasting guilt and depression of his Hungarian Jewish father, András. During the Nazi occupation, András, urged by his father, Lajos, jumped from a train that was headed to Bergen-Belsen concentration camp. Lajos remained on the train, and he did not survive the war. András did not find out the details until two decades later, when he was living in Brazil. That tragedy led to András’ lifelong depression, insomnia, and other mental issues. Due to his father’s condition, the author felt duty-bound as an only child to ensure his parents’ happiness in a chaotic household. Suppressing his own emotional life took an enormous toll, and the author ably depicts the corrosive effects of generational trauma throughout this heartfelt, anguished work. Schwarcz, who endured years of psychoanalysis and various combinations of medications, looks back to when the first glimmers of his bipolar condition appeared. One of the few things that helped, he notes, was playing goalie in soccer, which gave him a degree of freedom that lifted him out of his chronic sadness. Another was books, a love that would ultimately lead him to success as a publisher. The author starkly delineates the manic episodes he endured as a young professional before finding proper care for his mental struggles, and his work is not a linear journey but one fraught by time lapses and silences. “For years now I’ve been living in a world of few words, in an ambiguous silence,” he writes. “It can be as soothing as it is oppressive and addictive. In this vacuum, my manias create alternate realities, always much more imaginary than concrete.” Imaginary or not, these stories will resonate with anyone dealing with depression, anxiety, mental illness, and/or generational trauma.

A riveting literary memoir.